|
|
Saturday, January 1st, 2005
|
|
|
so, its 2005. thank god. there are so many things about 2004 that i just want to forget. my goal for 2005 is to start over. to finally just let go of my past - all of it. forget about all of the people that i've been hurt by, and forget the people i've hurt. i need to let go of my dad, because holding on isn't helping my life one bit. and i need to let go of all of the other shit that i've been letting consume me. it is time to start over.
i realized last night that it is absolutely impossible for nora and i to be friends. i can't do it, and i won't. i need to make a clean break, so that i can completely move on. i know i did the right thing. she's a completely different person, not the person i fell in love with. and the pain that is caused by talking to her is far to great for me to put myself through. so that's it. from here on out, i am severing every tie that leads me to her. she's out of my life forever. it's for the best.
other than all of that drama, life is good. i do miss scott a lot though. but, new years was a good time with becky and everyone. and i got to sleep in a water bed, can't beat that. becky's house sitting for 2 weeks, and i have a feeling these next two weeks are going to be awesome, just like last night. and i'm definitely down with that. tomorrow is becky's aunt's cat, little kitty's, birthday. so, the sunday night party will be a celebration of little kitty's 14th birthday. and now, it is time for a nap.
happy new year fuck heads
|
|
Monday, December 13th, 2004
|
|
|
so, today has sucked. if it wasn't for the fact that i was insanely fucked up 99% of the weekend, that too would have sucked. the worst part is, i can't pin point the exact cause of my anger/depression with life. it's a lot of different things, mainly, feelings and emotions. they fuckin suck. i'm so overcome by so many feelings around this time, especially missing my dad. i don't want to go home and celebrate another stupid ass christmas without him. it's not the same. nothing is the same anymore. and i need to get over that. but it's so hard. there are so many things in my past that i need to let go of, but i just can't seem to.
this shit going on between nora and i isn't helping either. it hurts so much loving someone with all your heart, but at the same time knowing that you are just not in a position to hold a stable relationship right now. i can't even make myself happy, how am i supposed to make someone else happy? she deserves so much more than i can give her right now. and admitting that hurts a lot. i just can't deal with this anymore.
i am also so angry at myself. i get so caught up in certain moments, that i forget to think rationally, which is something i pride myself in being able to do. i'm more of a thinker than a feeler, and i like that. but right now, all i can think about is how i feel. and how ridiculous my feelings are. and how much i don't want to feel them. mainly, how much it sucks to have them. feelings, you suck.
finals aren't helping either. not that i'm dedicating much time to studying or anything, but i do have papers to correct/write, and that's just a pain in the ass. i'm happy the semester is over, but i'm gonna miss my friends a lot for the month i'm home. i'm not even excited to come home anymore. there's too much reality to deal with at home. but, perhaps a change of scenery will be a nice change. scott leaving is going to really make my insanity kick in. the next year and a half that he'll be gone will really be hard. he's been such an important part of my life, i have no idea what i'm gonna do without him. even though he is a gigantic asshole.
anyway, i really just had an overwhelming amount of feelings lately that after today i felt like i had to write in this beast.
perhaps i will write in it more often. but, probably not.
|
|
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
|
|
Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
|
|
|
so, today is the 8 year anniversary of my dad's death.
i know, 8 years is such a long time, it seems like this should be easy for me. it's not. it feels like it was just the other day, it feels like he's just going to magically reappear. i can't believe he's gone. how ridiculous is that? 8 years later and i just still can't even believe it. this past week has been so hard for me. i'm glad i'm home and i can be with my mom. she's really the only person that understands what i feel and how hard it still is. he was my best friend, and i miss him so much. i'd do anything to change my life 8 years ago and have my dad still be alive today.
"i'm just so tired,
won't you sing me to sleep,
and fly through my dreams,
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight,
and get away from this place,
have a new name and face,
i just ain't the same without you in my life...
late night drives,
all alone in my car,
i can't help but start,
singin lines from all our favorite songs,
and melodies in the air,
singin life just ain't fair,
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone...
and i'm sure the view from heaven,
beats the hell out of mine here...
i hope that all is well in heaven,
cause it's all shot to hell down here,
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so lost without you down here..."
|
|
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
|
|
|
so yeah, i never update this, because honestly, who the fuck reads it anyway? i don't even care. the only reason that i'm updating is because i have something to say. and if no one reads it, fine, i said it and i feel better. but if someone reads it and i can affect one persons life and they can understand where i'm coming from, then good. and this really shouldn't piss anyone off, because we all have different views. accept mine.
first off all, i'm fuckin sick of everyone bitching about how kerry lost and bush won. he won fair and square, get over it. second of all, it's not bush's fault that we were attacked by terrorists on sept. 11. blaming bush for that is like blaming your dog for you having unprotected sex and getting pregnant. it makes no fucking sense. second of all, everyone that wants to move out of america because bush is now in office for the next 4 years, stop talking about it and fucking do it. no one cares if you leave. it is a fucking PRIVILEDGE to live in america. it's not gonna be much better any where else, and if is, then good for you. do you know how many people in poor, third world countries would kill to live in our country? be fucking thankful that you live here and the worst thing about our country is that president bush is in office, because a lot of other countries have it a lot worse off, and so do most of the people living in those countries. third, the troops that are fighting in iraq, afganistan, wherever, are there because they want to be. there was no fucking draft, no one forced them. they want to fight for our country. support them. mainly, everyone just needs to stop whinning. how can anyone say that things would be so much better if kerry won? he's a nice man, but hes indesicive, and most importantly, terrorists arent afraid of him. people in other countries have this whole idea that democrats are pussys and republicans mean business, and to an extent, it's true. and i really dont mean that offensively. i am so glad that we are standing up for our country and fighting a war. you dont just sit back and let people fuck you up. if someone starts beating the shit out of you, most people would fight back. and thats what we did. after sept. 11, we fought back. and thank god for that too. if terrorist attacks are gonna happen, they're gonna happen no matter who's in office. no one ever thinks about that. they just want to blame the first person that they deem fit. so fine, everyone, blame bush. but he is our president for the next four years. i would be a hell of a lot more scared if it was fucking kerry. so everyone that doesn't like it here, stop taking up our oxygen, give up your priviledge to live here, and move the fuck to somewhere else. i'm so over all of this damn immaturity. if you're gonna do it, just fucking do it, or keep your damn mouth shut, cause it's fucking irritating.
|
|
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
|
|
|
 | LJ Barcode |
|
|
|
well i suppose its been some time now, since i've written in this beast, i mean.
anyway, i had spring break last week. it was sweet. i hung out with nora mostly, we just sat around, saw some movies, went to the mall. i got some awesome pairs of shoes. they're hot. i hung out with daniel one day, attempted to dye his hair blonde, but since its so damn dark it didnt exactly work how we had planned. its all good, it looks cool.
well, i hate school. going back today sucked. and then this morning i began to get this awful pain in my lower back. i mean awful to the point of unbearable. so i after 2 periods, when i just couldnt stand it anymore, i called my mom and she called the doctor and he squeezed me in for an appointment. i got to miss english and spanish, which was cool. apperantly i pull/sprained some muscles or something. he prescribed me some medication and thats helped a lot.
in 22 days it will be me and nora's 1 year anniversary :)
my mom's getting surgery on friday, and that SUCKS. i'm gonna have to like wait on her ass and like be all helpful and shit. its really gonna blow.
anyway, that about wraps it up i guess. well, one more thing. i dont know why, but i feel the urge to tell everyone that shannon doesn't like the word cunt, even though she thinks all of you are cunts. she's weird, i know.
|
|
|
you may ask why i'm up this early...well, it's because im waiting for nora to get here. she was supposed to be here at 9:45 so i got up at 9:40, but its already 9:58 and still no sign!
well, its been a while since i've updated this beast. i'm not sure what the last thing i said was, cause i didn't bother to look. anyway, this week is spring break, thank god. unfortunatly, we're the only school on spring break this week so im stuck hanging out with only people from my school. not that that's a bad thing...:)
saturday was me and nora's 11 month anniversary! and the anniversary of the first date we ever went on. so we went to the place where we had our 1st date, arundel mills. we saw dawn of the dead. it was good. and i got 2 awesome shirts! one is yellow and it has a bottle on it and it says "regional spin the bottle champion" or sometihng like that, and the other one is a green greenday shirt with like irish shit and says "kiss me" or something. either way, its cool cause it matches my sweet green shoes. and the yellow shirt matches my new jacket. the jacket it hideous. i love it. i gotta get pics soon and put them on here or something.
yesterday was jera's 18th birthday!! happy birthday jera!! she's the shit.
well i'm not sure what else i have/haven't written about, so i'll just save it for later.
|
|
|
well, daniel and my's rice baby has been born. he's cute. anyway, nothing too exciting has happened lately.
MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEKEND.
my mom's still trying to force me to go to the doctor, but i say FUCK THAT SHIT. i'd rather die. and i don't see what the big deal about dying is. everyone's so damn afraid of it like being afraid's gonna make it go away. everyone's gotta do it sometime, so why fret? ah, anyway.
NORA GOT HER LICENSE YESTERDAY! woohoo. i'm so proud of you my love :)
i hung out with leah a little tonight, that was super. we got some stuff for the baby. then me and scott went to montereys and played pool. we're "pool fools", according to the fat kid himself.
and now, i will share with you a funny thing scott said to me tonight (after i was talking a lot):
scott: "its a shame my boots aren't taller so i wouldn't have to tread through all the shit spewing out of your mouth"
oh, it was funny.
anyway, i'm fuckin tired, and i have to rest up for the PARRRRRTY. fuckin right
|
|
Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
|
|
|
lets see...it's been a few days since i've written...saturday i worked a lot, which was extremely exhausting. then i went to nora's and we had dinner and i fell asleep pretty early, during the middle of "shallow hal". sunday we hung out at nora's, it was good fun.
school sucks and i can't wait til summer. last night me and scott went out and played pool, it was fun. he actually beat me for once. suprise, surprise.
nora and i had a big fight yesterday, for absolutly no reason other than the fact that i'm a gigantic fuck sometimes. thankfully it all worked out. she goes to get her license on thursday! WISH HER LUCK!
daniel and i made our rice baby in health today. he's so cute. his name's tristan.
i have a big ap chem test tomorrow and i've decided to take the not-gonna-study-at-all route and see where that leads me!
so today we were sitting in humanities trying to decide what teacher to bring with us on our field trip to the national gallery, and some of the girls were bitching about bringing the theater director, mrs ruether, and instead they wanted to bring the upper school head, ms. sally pont. now, sally pont is a huge bitch and i really can't stand her. so we took a vote, and of course only the bitches wanted to bring pont, everyone else wanted ruether. so when they had their hands raised for pont, kyle screams out, "sally's a hoe!". it may not sound funny to anyone reading this, but holy shit it was funny then.
|
|
|
last night at outback with charlotte and the scotts was a very good time. i'd write a bunch of the funny things that took place, but i'm so fuckin exhausted, im gonna focus on tonight, and i'll write more about outback later. i have to work from 7 AM to 5 PM tomorrow. bed time will be soon.
anyway, i went out with scott after work tonight and we had a really grand time.
funny thing number 1:
scott was telling me what *jill, who works at lodging, was saying to him today. keep in mind: she's really fat
scott: "yeah, she was all like, "i went to the gym"
me: "she went to the gym?"
scott: "yeah, and then she said she went out to eat"
me: "that sounds a little more her weight"
HAHA it was classic
*names have been changed to protect the fat
next thing, scott and i were talking about how he wants to bone this other girl at lodging and he was like saying how itd be the best 5 minutes of her life, and then hes like, 'well, if its dark' and that is when i creatived the most classic pick up line known to man: "just close your eyes and pretend i'm someone else" its great, i know.
anyway, like i said, i gotta get up at the crack of dawn and i'm exhausted. so i'll write about our night out with charlotte tomorrow.
|
|
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
|
|
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
|
|
|
today was just great. actually it wasn't really "great", but it wasn't terrible. it was somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. everything is a lot better between me amanda m. amanda n. and anna, thank god.
in health class we have this dumb assignment where we have to have "babies" for a week. these "babies" are made of rice and other random shit. daniel's my partner for this splendid little project. we're having a boy! and we already picked out a name. daniel wanted it to be something ghetto, for some ungodly reason, even though hes not ghetto at all, but i wanted something cute. he thought a cute name was TJ, so we compromised. i picked out a first and middle name that would make the initials TJ, and if he must, he can call the kid that. so anyway, the name is Tristan James. cute, i know.
i went to target after school today and got some cool stuff for my car. i got nora some cute stuff for her car too. she gets her license in...8 days. thank god! then she can start driving my ass around! i love you :)
anyway, i suppose that's all.
|
|
|
|
ah, i just got back from an excellent time with scott. we had a lot of fun being fuck heads. first we got food. then we played pool. by the way, i am the ultimate pool champion, yet again. then we decided it was time for a little stifmiester fun, so we watched american wedding. although not the best of the "american" trilogy, a nice try nonetheless. i especially love the rude ass comments stifler makes. me and scott's new "deal" (check out the use of that one scott) is to just say things that stifler would say. we also stumbled upon a deep realization: girls love dorks. rock on scott...or sohuld i say, rock out with your cock out. haha, fucker. anyway, the last thing i must mention, which concluded our night of fun, was the new cypress hill song, the one thats all like "whats ya name, whats ya number..." yeah, and then they say some dumb shit...well, scott has reinvented the words, "whats ya name, whats ya number, i would like to stick it in ya..." then he goes on to discuss the girls he would like to bone. it gets rather explicit, and varies from girl to girl. it is a quite humorous orDEAL. in fact, i think its safe to say i rather love it. ahhhhh, the dumb shit we do and the laughs we get out of it. even static looks good on that tv, right scott?
|
|
|
sometimes i can't believe how rude people can be. if it's not your place to say anything, then do the right thing, don't open your damn mouth. it's not that hard of a concept. everyone at my school is fuckin annoying at hypocritical. everyone just needs to grow up and mind their own goddamn business. OH and another thing! i do not "ditch" anyone for nora, and if i do, then fuckin get to used to it cause it isn't gonna change. everyone that wants to bitch about that can stop throwing stones in the glass house, and stop talking shit when you goddamn don't care either way. god anyway...
other than all of that unneeded bull shit, today was a decent day. i'm going out with scott and...CHARLOTTE! on thursday, which i'm overjoyed about. they're the shit. scott's one of my best friends ever, and i happen to love the fact that hes a gigantic dick to everyone, and charlotte is hands down one of the funniest people i've ever known. its a nice combination when i go out with the 2 of them.
i gotta work friday til 8 and then saturday from 7 am to 5 pm cause we have a race. you know what that means...lots of money. thank god, i really need it. i just wish it was the weekend already. hopefully the rest of the week won't be too bad...day 3 and day 4 are the best, and friday we don't have classes last 2 periods cause theres a faculty/student basketball game. woohoo, can you guess how excited i am about that? probably not.
ahh leah i am sore from running yesterday! i understand why my legs hurt, but why the hell do my stomach muscles hurt?
|
|
|
kaite made a live journal! how exciting...all of these people making them. kaite, you must leave me funny comments. your humor fills my soul with laughter. well that was gay. anyway...
last night sucked. i really miss my dad, so my mom and i talked about it for like 2 hours, which lead to other discussions, such as our family, hank, and fate. it was actually kinda nice. but lately its just been really hard for me. it sucks to be graduating, and for my dad to not even be here for it. or for anything else big that ever goes on in my life. but, i can't control it, just learn to deal with it. which has been really hard lately.
i hung out with leah after school today. we played soccer and did a lot of running. of course, we ended that exercise with a nice meal from burger king. i suppose that defeats the purpose. either way, it was a good time.
tomorrow is expected to be awful, since its day 2 and that means i have double ap chem 1st two periods, no lunch with nora, and no study hall with her. i also have no money to go out for lunch, which only makes it worse. i love having stuff like this to look forward to!
|
|
|
SHANNON, thank you for making my journal look cool. i appreciate it a lot.
i just did 2 loads of laundry. that's more than ive done in 1 week, let alone 1 day.
last night was fun. nora and i hung out, went to amanda m.'s hung out with her for a while. then we went to see nora's sister in a play, which was just splendid. we ran into daniel, john, tito, and semeon at blockbuster last ngiht, and daniel was in his pj's...he said it was because they were filming, but daniel we all know the truth...haha just kiddin man. i got a sweet orange yellowcard shirt. and i saw this awesome green green day shirt that would match my sweet green chucks.
i'm sad its sunday, because i hate school and i really don't wanna go tomorrow. and tuesday will be even worse. then i have to work friday and saturday...how fun.
anyway, my food has finally arrived, and since i have nothing interesting to say...
|
|
Saturday, March 6th, 2004
|
|
|
well, tonight was rather eventful.
first i went to nora's and we got it on. that was spectacular. i do have the hottest girlfriend in the entire world, hands down.
next, i had to clean my room. so i called in reinforcements, or just one: leah. she's the ultimate cleaner kid, or something like that. anyway, she loves to clean for me. so after we shoved everything under my bed, we went to the adventure zone to visit scott and sherman and jen. that was fun. then we went to meet up with some of leahs friends, but they were all just gonna get high, something i can no longer do. so i said no to drugs and hung out with scott. we went to target and then played a lot of pool. I AM THE ULTIMATE POOL CHAMPION - SAY IT SCOTT. haha we had a lot of fun listening to the darkness and changing the words around where scott would sing about girls he wanted to stick it to. it was awesome. then erica came up to the AZ and me and scott showed off our big screen tv. oh yeah baby. then scott decided to hit golf balls with a baseball bat. not a good idea to make me hold the golf balls. i threw them at him and locked his fat stupid ass out! then i let him in cause im nice, or something like that. erica told us she was drunk and scott believed her. haha dumbass. i told her i was color blind in one eye and completely blind in the other. dont let her fool you, she ate that shit with a silver spoon.
a highlight of my night was when scott and i were driving in front of katrina. for approximetly 10 miles that i drove in front of her i drove like a complete jackass, going very slow, then flooring it, then when she caught up going slow again. katrina, if you ever read this, I'M SORRY! it was all in good fun :)
anyway, its 12:13 AM, past my bed time. nighty night fuckheads
|
|
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
|
|
|
let me please draw your attention to my "default picture"...nice, i know
yeah, i really didn't want it to be michael jackson, although i do love him. but i couldn't get any of my other pictures smaller to that 100x100 pixel shit because my photo editor program is screwed up like all the rest of the shit on my computer.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
head1stin2heavn's journal
sleepy.
high.
indescribable.
cranky.
discontent.